All for love, a Father gave
For only love can make a way
All for love, the heavens cried
For love was crucified

And how many times have I broken Your heart
Still You forgive if only I’d ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me

EVERYTHING I NEED IS YOU,
MY BEGINNING, MY FOREVER
EVERYTHING I NEED IS YOU

Let me sing all for love
I will join the angels’ song
Ever holy is the Lord
King of glory, King of all

All for love a Savior prayed…
Abba Father have Your way
Though they know not what they do
Let the cross draw man to You…

====>> I cried, when I first heard this song. It really moved me. I can’t help but wonder “how many times have I broken God’s heart” and how unworthy I am for His undying love.

I feel such a failure. I know that I have a gone astray and disappointed God, once more. Should I point anyone to blame? Nah… it’s all me! I still can’t find it in my heart to truly forgive and forget all those who have hurt me in the past and its rather difficult to trust anyone again after all those betrayals. I just don’t have the heart like God, and many times I pray for healing and restoration but somehow I’m just not there yet.

Its scares me that I feel very far apart from God and I don’t know why do I feel numb or probably I chose not to feel anything anymore just to save myself for another misery. Right now, I know I’m fine. I’m actually doing great and I’m happy. Then why do I still find it exhausting?? Because at the end of the day I still know what matters the most, that is to be with God.

There’s nothing I want more than to live the life that God wants for me but I’m way out of my path. I don’t think I’m lost, I know where I should go but somehow I got stuck and trapped within the walls I’ve created for myself. In time, when I’m ready in God’s perfect timing I will embrace the road that leads to Him again. Till then.

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
-CORRIE TEN BLOOM-

It seems that I’m having sort of a blogger’s block. I just can’t seem to put my thoughts into writing and I’m just not in the mood to blog. I guess, I’m just trying to delay confronting my inner emotions, I just needed more time to gather the strength to deal with the uncertainties that’s been going on in my life right now.

My health condition is worse than ever, my doctor said my lupus is so active that it is now affecting not only my kidneys but as well as my blood. They fear that I might need a blood transfusion if my red blood cells and white blood cells which is so beyond it’s normal value won’t get better anytime soon. Then, another test of mine reveal that I have an enlargement of the heart and not to mention the two cyst they found in my kidneys. I really don’t understand what’s going on. What the hell happened? I’ve been extra careful not to trigger any lupus flare and I’ve been successful for the past three years, so why now? Why now, when I finally have my life back again…

I am struggling with the idea that God has a purpose for all these and I stand firm on my belief that He has the power to heal me, if it’s His will, but sometimes even if my faith is strong the fear of the unknown is still terrifying me. I know that I need to completely trust and rely on what God can do on my situation. I need to believe in His promises, I need to have confidence that God is in control of everything and He will never leave me alone especially in this difficult times. God has proven Himself to me in more ways than one and whether its tough or easy times, I stand firm in my faith and belief that He’s love is the only road to where I should take.