Forgive me Lord for being too proud and for thinking I can manage without your help. I am sorry, Lord. Deep in my heart, I know there’s really only You I can turn for help and I pray that as always You will remain true to Your promises and help me.

I’m a big fan of coffee and I consider coffee as one of my comfort drink and drinking coffee while hanging out with my friends certainly is a happy moment for me. I love my coffee sweet and creamy but sometimes I also love to drink strong black coffee, depending on the coffee beans, certain coffee makers will surely make a mouth-watering coffee everyone will surely enjoy.

Of course, we all want a fast and rapid computer so that we can work rapidly and efficiently. If you are looking for ddr2 to upgrade your memory then you shouldn’t hesitate to get it for it will surely make your time in the computer more useful and valuable, so that you can manage to do other things besides work and besides who wants a slow computer… certainly not me.

I was granted a scholarship to take computer classes and I thought by the time the school starts I’ll be fine and already regain my strength, I was wrong. But still I managed to enroll and attend a few classes but because of my poor health, I had to drop out. I love going to school and quite honestly I am starting to like my classmates already but physically I just know I had to give in, maybe I can take the class in a much later time when I am already well and able.

I sometimes just want to take some classes online, so that I won’t have to go to school and still manage to earn some education like MS in Information Security well, sometimes you just can’t have everything you want.

For the past few months I have been suffering a lot because of my illness. It started last June of 2008 when I was stricken with Herpes Zoster in my right forehead which extended in my right eye that almost lead me to blindness. The headache back then was intolerable, I had to have my pain reliever with me every time and what’s annoying besides the awful look on my face was the four kinds of eye drop that I have to put in my eyes…

This is how I look like after some blisters are starting to dried out, it was so awful and painful, and it took so long before the blisters left my face I had to put a lot of face concealers just to look presentable.

After the Herpes Zoster I was able to live normally again, it was in August when I went to Singapore and for once I was able to enjoy myself together with my college friends…

After that wondrous trip, I went back to work and do all the things that I wanted to do.. September was fine but when October came I had to be hospitalized again because of my kidneys…

October is my favorite month because of  my birthday but during this month I wasn’t able to walk and I have to wear a mask everywhere I go. My mom also got me a personal nanny that I found annoying because it made me feel helpless.

Months passed by and everything was starting to be normal again, I was able to do the things I love and I was happy. I feel normal once more despite having a nanny (which is not bad after all) I was enjoying myself and I’ve been going out with friends on my own again, traveling to Manila on my own and going to work in Makati on my own. It was a nice feeling although I have to wear a mask everytime, it doesn’t matter I just want to be out in the house.

March came and I was in high spirits, it was the last week of our Bible class in three public schools so I was busy preparing for farewell parties. I was also busy attending our church gatherings and I am also preparing for my mom’s secret surprise party… which turned out to be a blast and my mom was so overwhelmed and happy. But it was the night when I insisted on going with my church buddies to go to MV Doulos the ship bookstore, I always love to go there and I will never miss it for the world…

MV DOULOS the largest, oldest floating bookstore in the world

It was after climbing the upper deck that I felt the pain in my right thigh but I dismissed it right away because I want to pretend I am fine because I know my church friends are starting to worry because it’s getting late and the butterfly markings in my face are starting to appear but I told them I am fine. The next day I got a high fever, I was chilling and I had a terrible nausea and I couldn’t eat anything… Before I know it I was already being confined in the hospital…

April came and I’ve been sick the whole time but at least I was able to stand and walk, I can also go wherever I want as long as I have my nanny with me but the endless medicines are killing me…

It was May 16, when my nephrologist decided it was time for me to be admitted again, because my right thigh is swelling like a 5 gallon water tank and it’s so heavy I cannot walk anymore. It was also so in flame because it was so red and hot. It was also so painful that by  merely touching it will bring me to tears. I underwent xray, ultra sound, duplex scan but to no avail… my doctors still couldn’t find what’s with my right thigh. After that I underwent Biopsy which had pure pus cells alone and the MRI confirmed that I have no tumor, it was only pus cells that’s inside my right thigh and they decided to operate right away. But I have a low hemoglabin and I needed 4 bags of blood, my mom texted everybody she knows because we needed 8 people to donate blood. It seems impossible at first to find people to donate but in just hours our church pastors came, some of our friends too and the people that came to donate was way beyond our expection. That night two bags of blood was transfused and I was scheduled for an operation the next day…

Honestly, I was scared it was my first time to undergo a general anesthesia and I’m not quite sure of what to expect.

The next day, it was around 10:30 when I was fetched in my room and the operating people prepared me for the operation, I could see my mom worried eyes and I feel like crying. The operation was scheduled at 1pm, I’m not sure what happened in between those hours but the next thing I knew it was already 3pm and I was being brought to the recovery room.. It was like I’m in a twilight, I know what happened but I’m not sure, I wanted to speak but there are no words, I told myself do I have amnesia…nope I still know everything I should know but why do I feel like I’m floating… I closed my eyes and fell asleep, it was already 4pm and I finally asked the nurse when can I go back in my room, he said in a little while and I asked him if I can drink water but he said I’m not yet allowed to drink water… so I closed my eyes again anthis time I prayed…

I was released two weeks after and it was a terrible experience. Right now I’m in wheelchair absolutely helpless and I couldn’t even sit on my own let alone stand and walk. I am such a burden to everyone and I just hate every moment that I have to lay down wait for someone to lift me up and carry me to the wheelchair. I even need my mom to dress me up, to bathe me and everything else. I’m losing hair too, not only my weight is starting to drop within normal and my hemoglabin is too low that I have to be injected thrice a week. I also take 10 different medicines in the morning, 5 at lunch time and 10 at bedtime. Being confined in this wheelchair until my operation heals is way too much for me. I feel helpless and I want to tell myself not to lose hope that somehow there will some better days but during my time of pain I just find it hard to believe. There are thoughts in my head that what if I’ll never get better that I’ll be stuck in this wheelchair forever or what if I’ll be such a burden with everyone that they would turn their backs on me eventually. I’m not sure of what the future holds but it’s a bit gloomy for now and I just feel not so blessed at this time…

Originally posted at: http://www.emmyrose.com

This is the Intramuros Wall in Manila, Philippines.

It used to protect the city of Manila during World War II and it’s wall served as a shield against the Japanese. It was a fortress that helped the city to win battles during the war. Today, it is a golf haven and its walls are now being used as cafeterias or restaurants.

Just a piece of trivia, this is also my favorite hang-out during my college years because it’s just in front of my university.

Happy Weekend!

Trust God where you cannot trace Him.
Do not try to penetrate the cloud over you, rather look to the rainbow that is on it.
The mystery is God’s, the promise is yours..

No matter how firm my faith is, sometimes I still find it difficult to trust God when I am experiencing great pain because of my Lupus illness. Doubts and worry still clouds my thoughts and I know, I shouldn’t but I just can’t help it.

I have to admit that there was a night in my hospital bed that I just broke down and cry to God. I just poured my heart out and told HIm that I am so tired already and begged Him to take my sickness away.

I often chase God, forcing Him to listen to my prayers but somehow I just knew I don’t need that. Everything happens for a reason and I can only trust Him that beyond the dark clous lies the colorful rainbow that will brighten up my life, soon!